~jULyAnGeL wiTh nO hALo~

I really have no intention of bringing that topic up..  I’m really surprised that he himself has to open it up.  Well, too bad, since I badly need to go home that time.  If only we’ve met up earlier, perhaps we’ve talked about it more.

Unforgettable conversation:

~This is after sharing his story about him being a war freak after debating with the INK person in Gateway mall who gives out flyers:

CFB: Buti nalang hindi ako napili mo.  Kasi warfreak ako…
ME:  Ano ka ba.. Hindi naman eh.. (I know that you are not warfreak.  You look as though you are really rebellious, but I know deep inside me that you’re not…)

~This is after telling me why he hates INK so much…  Just so you know, we broke up because of the fact that we differ in religion, and he thought that I’m one of those whom he really hates. (Just a theory, because after discussing stuffs about INK beliefs and stuffs, he just muttered these words automatically, without me opening it up….)

CFB: Lasing ata ako ‘nun..
ME: ‘Nung alin?
CFB: ‘Nung nangyari yun..
ME: Yung ano?
CFB: Wala yun!
ME: Yung ano nga?
CFB: ‘Nung third year… ‘Nung tumawag ako sa inyo..
ME: Ah yun ba? Lasing ka ‘nun?
CFB: Naaalala mo pa ba?  Sa totoo lang, hindi ako ‘yun eh.
ME: Hindi ikaw, eh ka-boses mo..
CFB: Oo, hindi ako ‘yun. Kaibigan ko yun. Sya talaga pinili kong tumawag kasi ka-boses ko sya.  Naalala mo ba nung marami kang tanong na hindi nya masagot?  Yung pangalawang tawag, ako na talaga yun.
ME: Ah… Ok… Ok lang… (Dedma nalang daw… but it hurts still… )

I really am surprised; I’m not expecting these words to come out of his mouth automatically.. I don’t know what to say either..  I want to hug him and say "Gago ka, hindi na nga tayo halos nagkita sa isang buong taon na yun, tapos ganon pa ginawa mo sa akin."  I want to hold his hand and say "Sayang, sana hindi ako nag-give up that time, siguro tayo pa until now.."  I want to kiss him, and say, "Thank you, at least nagawa mo akong kausapin kahit hindi na tayo.."  Yet, in the end, I only said, "Parang gusto kong sumama sa SM… Ay, may FX na, sige uwi na ako.."  Haaayy….  I have to do that, before you see something sparkling in my eyes…

Kung nababasa mo ito, I want you to know na sana, I could somehow see you again; spend time with you, malling or what not, since those are the things that we haven’t tried doing ‘nung tayo pa.  All of the people in the campus believed that we do communicate when you transferred to other school, but the fact is that, we don’t even have a chance to talk over the phone.  We have just seen each other after ‘nung concert ng Rivermaya sa school (when it’s still Bamboo singing for them).. and, nung party ko before graduation day..  (And yes, hindi tayo third year nung nagbreak up.. That’s when we’re fourth year na…)

Thanks for the time by the way..  Hoping that we could eat shawarma together again.. Hoping we could share each other’s stories…  Hoping we could at least, be friends…. Kahit friends na lang….

Thanks for not being the "war freak" you ‘nung tayo pa… Thanks for being a gentleman still.  I miss you, and I hope I could see you not just once, but as though we’re regular friends…

I might have had long hair now
Got it straightened and ponytailed
Had put my eyeliners on
But I’m still the same old.. same old..

I might have worn tight capris
Sexy shirts or long sleeves
Had worn the highest high heels
But I’m still the same old… same old…

I might have drunk beer many times
Been dizzy in some parties
Had danced non-stop, twirling
But I’m still the same old.. same old…

I might have been snobbish; cursing
Jealous or somewhat naughty
Have tried becoming strong
But I’m still the same old.. same old…

I might have fought battles on my own
Wiped unnecessary tears in these eyes
Had tried living my life these years
But I’m still the same old.. same old…

I’m still the same old… same old… weak me…..

Had set my plans when I’m still in high school.  Had told my parents that I’ll be married at the age of 25, and I’ll make sure that I’ll have my own house and lot, my own money to raise my kids and buy my set of appliances, etc.  Well, here I am, well prepared for that..  Soo happy that I’m able to cope up with stress and all; sooo happy that I’m able to fulfill it all, with someone who deserves to be "my guy" forever…

He’d set his own goals too!  He applied for a higher position, which inspired me to try my best to be at the top too!  I might be slow, but I know for sure, I’ll reach my goal.. Just like what they used to say: slowly, but surely. 

My parents had accepted him for whatever he is — no matter what beliefs he has, as long as he’s not the "arrogant" or irresponsible type.  I’m sooo happy that I’m able to fight for his love–his unconditional love.

Having him in this life of mine… is what i call my fulfillment…

Thanks for loving me, cookie…  I love you sooo much….

First reason:
~Today’s our 4 years and 11 month-anniversary. I’m just happy and too proud to say that my cookie’s really worth loving and fighting for after all. He’s always been there for me thru thick and thin–a soon to be husband who’s really honest and trustworthy–a guy who never even thought of looking for another girl…

For my fiance, thank you so much for loving me as I am and thank you for building your dreams with me….. I love you…

Second reason:
~After 10 long years, at last, I’ll be visiting my dear beloved cousins in Pangasinan! I’m soooo excited because I now can attend my cousin’s wedding! Hopefully, my cookie can go with me as well, para kumpleto, hehehe… Anyways, my uncles and aunts should meet him before our BIG DAY next year…. (I’m soooo excited! Woooohooo!)

Hoping that everything turns out well on Saturday.

Third reason:
~Me and my cookie have the same working schedule now, so despite the fact that we’re now into different accounts, he can still send me off to work and fetch me after shift. Weeeeh!!! At least, we can still have our “date-date” (that’s how we call our small dates). Ngayon pang malapit na ipalabas ang spiderman at ang pirates of the carribean…. Wooohooo!!!

>O,_,O<

Month of May is fast approaching… Our 5th year anniversary’s soooo soon, I’m excited. We’ve won a 3-days, 2-nights accomodation at Days Hotel, and we’ve chosen their Lucban, Quezon branch, one of their newly built hotel. Something which will be out of the ordinary (though my cookie keeps surprising me with such unique flicks!)

I’m sad though, because I won’t be with him everyday starting April 23… He’ll be assigned to a different account under Microsoft. I’m happy that he’s now part of Microsoft Business Solutions team, yet the sad part is, we won’t be able to eat lunch together, or perhaps do some small dates in our free time…. *sigh*

But, that’s okay… He’ll remain my cookie….

I know he’s a good guy… He never did look at another girl before, I’m sure he’ll not look at another girl now until the end…. He loves me soooo much, and that’s what I’m proud of to say. =)

I guess, all I have to do is work, work, work!!! Then come October, our house will be built, and we’ll be very busy again–together, putting style in our very own house (yeah, not rented, i tell you!)

Then next year…. THE WEDDING! (^^_)

this doesn’t make any sense to me anymore….

here i am, loved too much, but why i kept on "rewinding my so-called dramatic life?"

here i am, strong enough to "bang you at the wall", but why i kept on wishing for you to see my existence at least….

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF MY BACKTRACKS…. so i guess, i’ll just stop thinking about you and i’ll just MOVE ON "FAST FORWARD" TO MY FUTURE…..

everything’s well planned, which is really funny.  we’ll have our own house, our own family sooner or later… we’ll start our new life alone, which i’m soooo proud of….

SO I GUESS, I’LL JUST STICK TO THAT PLAN, AND I’LL MAKE SURE NOT TO LOSE WHAT I’VE FIGHTED FOR…..

’cause my future husband’s all worth it…

yeah…. HE’S ALL WORTH IT…. >0.0<

Nasurpresa ako ng makita ka sa "profile" ng isa nating kaibigan.  Biglang sumagi sa isipan kong naging parte ka ng buhay ko, at hanggang ngayon, hindi ko maitatangging may kirot sa puso kong hindi pa rin maalis…

Wala akong galit sa’yo.  May karapatan ka namang magdesisyon kung talagang ayaw mo na.  Marami lang bagay na sumagi sa isipan ko at hanggang ngayon ay pinag-iisipan ko pa rin kung talagang yun ang dahilan mo kung bakit gusto mong kumalas or kung may iba pang dahilan bukod doon.  Hindi tayo laging nagkikita, ngunit sa isip at puso ko, umasa akong magtatagal tayo.  Marami rin ang humanga dahil halos dalawang taon tayong masasabing "steady", kahit na hindi nagkikita or nagkakausap man.  Pero, tinapos mo na nga, at wala naman akong nagawa.

Gusto kitang ipaglaban, ngunit hindi ko alam kung sa paanong paraan.  Hindi ko kasi alam kung may nanira lang sa akin, kaya ka nagpasyang lumayo, o sadyang ayaw mo dahil magkaiba tayo ng paniniwala.  Ewan ko, hanggang ngayon iniisip pa rin kita.

Nagpasya akong bumangon at humanap ng ikasasaya ng puso ko, at eto, natagpuan ko na siya–ang taong kasama ko ng halos 5 taon na ngayon, at balak ko na ring pakasalan.  Ang lalakeng ipinaglaban ko kahit na magkaiba kami ng relihiyon (na sana nagawa ko rin para sa atin noon; sadyang hindi ko lang alam kung yun nga ang tanging rason ng pag-iwan mo sa akin.)

Hindi talaga patas para sa akin, at sa sobrang sakit ay bumabalik ang nakaraan.  Okay naman tayo noon, di ba?  Gusto ko lang talagang malaman ang totoo, para naman matahimik din ako…  May kasalanan ba akong nagawa sa’yo para iwan mo?

Wag kang mag-alala… hindi ko balak manggulo.. Wala na rin namang magyayaring pagbabalikan dahil masaya na ako, at ayoko ring masayang ang ipinaglaban ko’t pinaghirapang pagsasama namin ng kasintahan ko ngayon.

Gusto ko lang talagang malaman ang totoo sa likod ng pamamaalam mo sa akin……
Kasi minahal kita noon ng sobra pa sa inaakala mo…. kasi masakit talaga ng iniwan mo ako… kasi inabot ng ilang taon bago ako nakabangon ulit…..

… kasi kailangan na ring maghilom ang sakit na ito sa lalong madaling panahon bago kita kamuhian….

Kahit papaano naman, gusto rin kitang maging kaibigang muli; kung sa ganitong paraan na lang kita makakamusta at makakasama man lang ng sandali.

Sana maintindihan mo……………………

NOTE: This is to answer Erika’s questions. (She’s my cousin who had seen my picture’s comments, and began asking her mother if am already married.)

This year’s gonna be a busy one for me and my cookie.  We got lots of decision making to do; and it’s not a joke.

For those who got lots of questions if me and Raymund were already married, YES WE ARE… NOT YET MARRIED!

We can’t just decide whenever we want.  Not to mention the fact that other than debut and JS Prom, one more important occasion for girls is, of course, their wedding.  I want it to be "engrande", same with what other girls want the most.  It’s just once in a lifetime, so we’re willing to spend money and time for it.

For those who are interested to know when will our wedding be, it’s on 2008.  Yeah, just a tentative sched.  Had told my mom about it, and Raymund did too, but we’re still having a hard time deciding on where to hold its ceremony.  I want a garden wedding–just a simple civil wedding, but there are a lot of complications (about my religion and his).  Not to mention the expenses for reception, gown and barong, etc.  Hay nakakaloka!!!!  It’s not easy preparing for this kind of thing.

But of course, we’re excited, so we’ll just talk about the schedule, expenses, etc. sooner or later…  Wish us luck! >o.O<

Yeah, friendster once again updated their profile styles.

Seems to me that you still have your choice of changing your background or whatever, but it’s too tricky.

What’s the sense of having CSS codes if it’ll take you HOURS just to have the freakin’ boxes TRANSPARENT??

Don’t we have any rights to choose our styles now???

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

to my long lost sister, best friend, classmate, whatever…

you know my angst on you.  but you seemed as though you don’t care at all.  i’ve been thru ups and downs myself, thinking about how to save your ass as well as mine.  i’ve been thinking of sooo many damn ways just to reclaim my trust for you, but i guess it’s all broken into pieces now.

you know what your faults are, but you never did say sorry….

though i’m now soooo frustrated because of you, i can still feel inside me that no one can ever replace you in my heart…

YOU’RE STILL MY FUCKIN’ BITCH BESTFRIEND I’VE LOVED FOR SO MANY DAMN YEARS!!!!!

i’m not saying this for you to think that i’ve already forgiven you.  i know that you know me already, and there should be no more words between the 2 of us…  i know how to forgive, yet i seldom forget, but for you…

I’LL JUST DAMN FORGET EVERYTHING….

i’m so goddamn tired of thinking about our friendship that had came to an end already…. i’m letting go of you now, but always fuckin’ remember…..

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING, WHATEVER MAKES YOU DAMN BUSY RIGHT NOW….

I…  MISS… YOU….

see you around in hell… >o^^o<